I can’t believe it is already March – I thought I would celebrate this month by talking about my emotional healing journey…🔥
Ya know….when I speak to cancer patients at my volunteer job at the hospital, and in all the books I have read about cancer patient stories…I see a lot of suffering…not only physical but mental and spiritual too.
I have met quite a few people at the hospital that when I introduce myself and start talking to them, they tell me..
I am fine actually…I don’t need a chat…😕
I respect their wishes obviously but I leave their rooms thinking
“What the heck??You have cancer, don’t tell me you are alright? This is hard core stuff….” and this comes from someone who have been there.
We live in a world where we have to be strong all the time….being vulnerable is challenging…and I am talking about being vulnerable for real…right when you are in the middle of the mess.
When I was told I had Stage 3 Bowel cancer, I was in a bed after my 5 hours emergency surgery…
I had woken up from the surgery and was still groggy.
My husband was next to me…thanks God…I remember it was already dark outside…
The doctor who performed my surgery came in and said:
“Hey, the surgery went well. I took the tumour out. I had a good look around your internal organs and they all look good.”
So I asked him: “Any chance the tumour could be benign?”
He then said: “I am sorry…it is not…it is cancer and it is probably Stage 3 and you will need 12 sessions of chemotherapy”
I then remembering saying: “But I have 2 kids”….
The rest is a blur…
After that….I remember thinking “God, is this your way to shake me? I understand now you want my attention, you want me to listen..but are you serious?…Cancer?”
I came home for 4 weeks to recover before I was supposed to start chemotherapy.
I spent 2 weeks in a really dark place…
I planned my funeral every night…I held my tears every night before saying good night to my kids. I wailed and howled before bed in my husband arms saying: “I really want to see my kids grow up”😭
I begged God to let me live one more year, 2 more years, 3 more years…and I played videos in my mind about what it would happen with my kids at different ages if I died.😢
I know right? Horrendous….
I just couldn’t see past that…cancer meant death to me…I didn’t know anyone close enough that had been through it…
My husband’s aunty was here from the UK which was a blessing.
In the previous year, she had met her partner who was diagnosed with throat cancer shortly after they met, so she knew the beast…she kept saying to me…
”It will be ok. You will be ok”
One day my husband took the kids to the beach with his aunty and I stayed at home by myself.
I remembered feeling deeply sad not only because I had cancer…
but because I had been holding on to so much anger in my life…
I had run my body to the ground…
I didn’t look after myself….
I jeopardised my own health for my constant seeking to being a high achiever…
I had let stress take over my life…
I took my health for granted…
.I didn’t let my guard down…
I had always expected of myself to be strong…
I didn’t spend enough time appreciating life…
I hadn’t laugh enough…
I hadn’t lived enough and now I was scared…and I was hanging to my life by a thread….🤦🏼♀️
So I put some sad music on…and I cried….
I felt I was letting all the sadness go….
I felt I was opening up my heart…letting the guard down…
I felt it was the start of my healing….
After this episode, it was if I was ready to face whatever was in front of me….
my deep desire to survive kicked in big time…I wanted more out of this life….
I wanted to be a mum to my kids…and the most beautiful thing happened…all of sudden I wanted to survive for me…for Angelica… for myself..
.I acknowledge my inner self again….and that was just the beginning….
I write this from the bottom of my heart as I feel we keep so much hurt inside us…
We all have our own stories but ya know what I have learned is true healing starts on our hearts, on our souls.
We need to acknowledge and accept the call to heal ourselves….
Wherever you are in your life, take the time today to think…
What pain do you hold on to inside my heart?
Who are you angry with?
Why?
Can you face a past issue?
Who has hurt you?
Can you forgive them?
The list goes on…and all I am doing is invite you to acknowledge what you have been holding on to…
you don’t have to forgive and forget and make friends with everyone that hurt in the past.
Today is about acknowledging…nothing else.
If you want to know more, follow my blog…sign up to my newsletter… because I would love to share with you what happened next…
[To be contd.]
One response to “Can you face your past?”
It’s an amazing story of the beginning of your journey and I hope you can reach other cancer sufferers and help them by knowing that they are not alone in that dark place and it is ok to share your thoughts and feelings. To be brave to reach out and talk about it.