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Meditation helped me healed my heart

I am not sure if you have read the previous posts but on the last blog, I talked about how breathing and yoga helped me on my path of healing, self discovery, self love, physical and mental well being.

Ya know after establishing yoga as one of my daily habits during chemotherapy, I knew I needed to take a step forward…

I had used meditation to help me to sleep at the beginning of my cancer treatment especially during the day when I was so tired but couldn’t physically get to sleep as I was on so many steroids as part of my anti nauseous medication.

I had also experienced a little bit of meditation while doing yoga and focussing on my breathing…

But I realized pretty quickly that I needed to learn how to sit quietly, by myself and this is how I started meditating daily as part of my daily routine too.

I tried a few free meditations on Youtube, on Apple podcast app but one day I came across a powerful meditation while listening to a Cancer Symposium online organized by Kris Carr (a cancer survivor and thriver who has been living with Stage 4 cancer for the last 16 years).

There were many integrative doctors, health professionals, motivational speakers, healers and survivors speaking at that Symposium.

The meditation was done by Iyanla Vanzant, a spiritual teacher and life coach – an amazing human being as I later found out.

It was a beautiful meditation and I felt so connected to my body, to my cancer while doing it….

In the middle of the meditation she asked me to put my hands on my cancer/or wherever the tumour was.

Then she asked me to ask the question to it, to my cancer “why are you here?”

“My cancer” answered loud and clear…it was almost as if it had shouted at me: “Anger”

I was so shocked…ashamed…sad…but I knew that listening to that answer, acknowledging was going to be an important part of my healing.

I had been so angry…angry with my family…with their family…with my life, the life and challenges I had been given…the life that I felt to that point it had been a lonely one because I had never felt supported by my family.

I had put all my happiness and fulfilment on external factors and people as supposed to look for it within myself.

I had blamed external things and people for so many things that didn’t go right in my life and I forgot to take responsibility, to accept my reality, to accept the life I was giving…which from where I am sitting now…is full of blessings.

Incorporating meditation in my daily routine allowed me to uncover my wounds, my pain that was buried inside my soul and so ingrain in it…

There was no more running away from myself….I knew the work to pull it all out was going to be a process….and once more I was up for the challenge.

I was finally open to trust the process and to do whatever it took to do the work to uncover it all.

I knew that the anger inside me was a fundamental part of my cancer…an important cause that contributed for the growth of disease in my body…I knew that in order to be healthy I needed to work on healing my inner self.

This is how meditation helped me and still does…

If you have never meditated, I would love you to give it a go…

My biggest advice on meditation is don’t set any expectations before you do it, meditation is simply a time for you to sit quietly with yourself…some days you will be able to free your mind more than others…the most important thing is to let go of any expectations and to keep doing the work daily…trust the process.

Let me know how you get on….I would love to hear…

If you want to try a meditation, click on the link below as I have recorded a couple of meditations for you:

Meditation 1 – to connect to your inner body in times of uncertainty

Meditation 2 – to cultivate self love

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I had never meditated before until…

As ashamed as I am to confess this, it is fair to say if cancer hadn’t hit me I would still be living a life where I would be mostly running away from myself.

Isn’t that crazy? 

I know now it is crazy….but it took me to reach rock bottom…with my health…I almost lost my life to realize that.

So when I started opening up my heart…

I started listening to some meditation…

I remember exactly where I was and the feeling of my first full deep breath…

I didn’t realise that I had been living without breathing deeply…

I am not sure if you know but cancer cells live in an anaerobic environment…instead of using oxygen for energy like healthy cells, they use glucose. They need the healthy cells to survive, think about a parasite living of its host.

That gave me a good enough reason to breath…to breath deeply…but when I first did it…I felt again how uptight I had been…how much ‘stuff’ I had been holding on to…how ‘heavy’ I felt…

And the more I focussed on my breath, the lighter I felt…

the more connected to my body I started feeling…

I could almost feel my cells thanking me for breathing…deeply…

Slowly meditation started becoming a daily habit for me….

I was learning how to be by myself…with myself…I was learning how to slow down…to listen to my inner self…

And it all starts with breathing….a physical action that changes your physical state.

Changing your physical state of being on alert, on flight and fight mode, uptight, upset, angry…

to becoming calmer, more connected to your inner self, lighter, happier, at peace….

I know right? Just by breathing we can get all of these benefits and yet we don’t take the time to focus on it.

Today I invite you to breath…deeply… just try it…inhale to the count of 4 and exhale to the count of 6.

Do it 3, 5, 10 times if you can.

I would love to hear from you…let me know what you have felt…wasn’t it magical? Didn’t it make you feel calmer, lighter, less uptight?

But hey you’ve got to do it at least 3 times on the count of 4 – inhale and on the count of 6 – exhale. No cheating…

If you want to try a meditation, click on the link below as I have recorded a couple of meditations for you:

Meditation 1 – to connect to your inner body in times of uncertainty

Meditation 2 – to cultivate self love

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I felt energetically heavy

After my crying episode day…I was ready…I was ready to face the beast…I knew I had so much to work on…and I was willing to go for it…

My husband’s aunty prompted me to find a church…she knew I believed in God but she also knew I hadn’t been to a church for a while…

I found a church close by and we went to the Sunday service together…

After the service, Nick’s aunty prompted me again…this time she said: “I think we should ask the pastor to pray for you….”

I was terrified….😱when I was little, my grandmother used to pray/bless us….she was catholic but in reality, she wasn’t a nice person…but this is a story for another day….

So I have always been funny about people praying with their hands on me, or praying for me.

But this time I knew I needed everything it could help me…

This time I needed to change things around…I needed to open up…I needed to heal my heart…I was desperately in search of healing…

So I asked the pastor to pray for me….

Needless to say…I started to cry so much that I started sobbing….😭

I felt I had such a closed up energy that the pastor asked me if he could put his hands on my shoulders??

He could feel it too….🤦🏼‍♀️I was closed…my energy was heavy…

I don’t remember exactly what he said…I remember what I felt….

I felt like I had been carrying a ton of weight on my shoulders…a ton of anger….a ton of things that didn’t serve me…

But I also felt a little light inside me….it was not all lost…

I just needed to keep doing the work…keep believing in the process…I needed to believe I was going to be ok.

In a world where we are busy all the time, we are drawn to our tech gadgets 24/7 and more and more material stuff and very little time is left for us…for us to look inwards…

I felt I had walked so far away from myself that the walk back felt like a slow walk in the dessert looking for that little bit of water…

It was challenging…at times it was lonely and uncomfortable 

But I knew to get to the water…I needed to keep walking…I needed to keep doing the work.

I hope from the bottom of my heart….you haven’t walked away from yourself as far as I did…

I believe there is always a way to walk back though

and if this is how you feel, stop now…acknowledge it….and be open to walk back….turn around…start doing the work.

Don’t wait any longer….[To be contd.]

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Can you face your past?

I can’t believe it is already March – I thought I would celebrate this month by talking about my emotional healing journey…🔥

Ya know….when I speak to cancer patients at my volunteer job at the hospital, and in all the books I have read about cancer patient stories…I see a lot of suffering…not only physical but mental and spiritual too.

I have met quite a few people at the hospital that when I introduce myself and start talking to them, they tell me..

I am fine actually…I don’t need a chat…😕

I respect their wishes obviously but I leave their rooms thinking

“What the heck??You have cancer, don’t tell me you are alright? This is hard core stuff….” and this comes from someone who have been there.

We live in a world where we have to be strong all the time….being vulnerable is challenging…and I am talking about being vulnerable for real…right when you are in the middle of the mess.

When I was told I had Stage 3 Bowel cancer, I was in a bed after my 5 hours emergency surgery…

I had woken up from the surgery and was still groggy.

My husband was next to me…thanks God…I remember it was already dark outside…

The doctor who performed my surgery came in and said:

“Hey, the surgery went well. I took the tumour out. I had a good look around your internal organs and they all look good.”

So I asked him: “Any chance the tumour could be benign?”

He then said: “I am sorry…it is not…it is cancer and it is probably Stage 3 and you will need 12 sessions of chemotherapy”

I then remembering saying: “But I have 2 kids”….

The rest is a blur…

After that….I remember thinking “God, is this your way to shake me? I understand now you want my attention, you want me to listen..but are you serious?…Cancer?”

I came home for 4 weeks to recover before I was supposed to start chemotherapy.

I spent 2 weeks in a really dark place…

I planned my funeral every night…I held my tears every night before saying good night to my kids. I wailed and howled before bed in my husband arms saying: “I really want to see my kids grow up”😭

I begged God to let me live one more year, 2 more years, 3 more years…and I played videos in my mind about what it would happen with my kids at different ages if I died.😢

I know right? Horrendous….

I just couldn’t see past that…cancer meant death to me…I didn’t know anyone close enough that had been through it…

My husband’s aunty was here from the UK which was a blessing.

In the previous year, she had met her partner who was diagnosed with throat cancer shortly after they met, so she knew the beast…she kept saying to me…

”It will be ok. You will be ok”

One day my husband took the kids to the beach with his aunty and I stayed at home by myself.

I remembered feeling deeply sad not only because I had cancer…

but because I had been holding on to so much anger in my life…

I had run my body to the ground…

I didn’t look after myself….

I jeopardised my own health for my constant seeking to being a high achiever…

I had let stress take over my life…

I took my health for granted…

.I didn’t let my guard down…

I had always expected of myself to be strong…

I didn’t spend enough time appreciating life…

I hadn’t laugh enough…

I hadn’t lived enough and now I was scared…and I was hanging to my life by a thread….🤦🏼‍♀️

So I put some sad music on…and I cried….

I felt I was letting all the sadness go….

I felt I was opening up my heart…letting the guard down…

I felt it was the start of my healing….

After this episode, it was if I was ready to face whatever was in front of me….

my deep desire to survive kicked in big time…I wanted more out of this life….

I wanted to be a mum to my kids…and the most beautiful thing happened…all of sudden I wanted to survive for me…for Angelica… for myself..

.I acknowledge my inner self again….and that was just the beginning….

I write this from the bottom of my heart as I feel we keep so much hurt inside us…

We all have our own stories but ya know what I have learned is true healing starts on our hearts, on our souls.

We need to acknowledge and accept the call to heal ourselves….

Wherever you are in your life, take the time today to think…

What pain do you hold on to inside my heart?

Who are you angry with?


Can you face a past issue?

Who has hurt you?

Can you forgive them? 

The list goes on…and all I am doing is invite you to acknowledge what you have been holding on to…

you don’t have to forgive and forget and make friends with everyone that hurt in the past.

Today is about acknowledging…nothing else.

If you want to know more, follow my blog…sign up to my newsletter… because I would love to share with you what happened next…

[To be contd.]

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What to do when you think you are not enough…

In my search for my own emotional healing, I came across the question a lot of people ask themselves or maybe it is something I believe a lot of people ask themselves.

I have always had very high expectations of myself in everything I did and do and while we can all talk about this as being a positive thing, we all know that this can drag us down when it comes with a feeling of not being enough…

That constant inner voice saying to you: “you could have done better”….”you should have achieved more”…”you haven’t got enough”….

So I asked my psychologist where was that coming from…I read books about it…I listened to podcasts about it.

I needed to understand where exactly this was coming from so I could stop that inner voice.

Truth is, there are lots of reasons….and shutting down that inner voice is not that simple.

I came from a society where females had one path to follow: study, get a job, get married and have kids. A society where you can only count on yourself as our government is extremely corrupt so whatever you do, somebody else is doing 10 times more than you as people are scared not to have a job, not to have any meanings to create a life for themselves and their families.

In my wild being, I broke that cycle as I never felt I belonged there.

That meant I have always been trying to find where I belong and within that, I have seek people’s approvals, I have tried to stand out as being someone who accomplish things. I have taken into consideration people’s expectations of me.

In everything I read, I found a common thread…we need to feel enough inside ourselves as supposed to look for it outside of us.

By understanding the reasons, I got some clarity around it but that inner voice is still there….not always but sometimes…so now that I recognize that voice, I work on calming that voice down by telling that voice that I am enough when it gets louder.

This week I heard something which is something that has helped me the most. Kyle Kuzma, an atlete said he used to always seek external approval from others but he realized that he didn’t need to do that anymore as his expectations of himself were already high enough.

So for now, I am going to focus on that when that inner voice creeps in…and I am hoping you can use that as a tool too.

I am hoping you can practice to tell that inner voice you are enough when it gets louder.

It is not an overnight solution…it takes courage and it takes time…and I will keep working on it and I hope you will do it too.

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The benefits of crying

After a cancer diagnosis, it is hard not to cry…if you are a strong person you might not cry straight after you get told you have cancer but when the reality sinks in….the tears are going to come.

When I was told I had cancer, it was after my bowel surgery so I was groggy…coming to terms of being alive after an emergency surgery…feeling lost without my kids so I don’t remember crying as such.

What I do remember is a particular day…a few days after I went home from hospital after my surgery. It was a defining day on my journey…

My husband took the kids out to the beach and I stayed at home by myself…recovering.

I spent the whole day crying…sobbing if I remember well.

I cried about my diagnosis…I cried because I could feel all the sadness inside me, how much I felt disconnected to my body and my inner self….

I cried because I didn’t see cancer coming…I didn’t see it creeping up on me.

I cried for what I had yet to face….

I cried for everything I had been holding on to…everything that didn’t serve my body and mind.

This particular day was the day I felt in myself I was ready to face what was in front of me.

I was able to gather all my strength together so I could be strong for me…for my kids… for my husband…. and for everyone who loved me.

So crying is ok…it is sometimes necessary…

I am not sure when our society has become a non-crying one…I am not sure when our society has seen crying as a weakness.

Crying is human and it is needed so we can express our feelings…so we can release our emotions.

So if today you need to have a cry, I would say go for it.

Don’t hold back…this is part of being human…it is part of the healing journey.