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I felt energetically heavy

After my crying episode day…I was ready…I was ready to face the beast…I knew I had so much to work on…and I was willing to go for it…

My husband’s aunty prompted me to find a church…she knew I believed in God but she also knew I hadn’t been to a church for a while…

I found a church close by and we went to the Sunday service together…

After the service, Nick’s aunty prompted me again…this time she said: “I think we should ask the pastor to pray for you….”

I was terrified….😱when I was little, my grandmother used to pray/bless us….she was catholic but in reality, she wasn’t a nice person…but this is a story for another day….

So I have always been funny about people praying with their hands on me, or praying for me.

But this time I knew I needed everything it could help me…

This time I needed to change things around…I needed to open up…I needed to heal my heart…I was desperately in search of healing…

So I asked the pastor to pray for me….

Needless to say…I started to cry so much that I started sobbing….😭

I felt I had such a closed up energy that the pastor asked me if he could put his hands on my shoulders??

He could feel it too….🤦🏼‍♀️I was closed…my energy was heavy…

I don’t remember exactly what he said…I remember what I felt….

I felt like I had been carrying a ton of weight on my shoulders…a ton of anger….a ton of things that didn’t serve me…

But I also felt a little light inside me….it was not all lost…

I just needed to keep doing the work…keep believing in the process…I needed to believe I was going to be ok.

In a world where we are busy all the time, we are drawn to our tech gadgets 24/7 and more and more material stuff and very little time is left for us…for us to look inwards…

I felt I had walked so far away from myself that the walk back felt like a slow walk in the dessert looking for that little bit of water…

It was challenging…at times it was lonely and uncomfortable 

But I knew to get to the water…I needed to keep walking…I needed to keep doing the work.

I hope from the bottom of my heart….you haven’t walked away from yourself as far as I did…

I believe there is always a way to walk back though

and if this is how you feel, stop now…acknowledge it….and be open to walk back….turn around…start doing the work.

Don’t wait any longer….[To be contd.]

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What to do when you think you are not enough…

In my search for my own emotional healing, I came across the question a lot of people ask themselves or maybe it is something I believe a lot of people ask themselves.

I have always had very high expectations of myself in everything I did and do and while we can all talk about this as being a positive thing, we all know that this can drag us down when it comes with a feeling of not being enough…

That constant inner voice saying to you: “you could have done better”….”you should have achieved more”…”you haven’t got enough”….

So I asked my psychologist where was that coming from…I read books about it…I listened to podcasts about it.

I needed to understand where exactly this was coming from so I could stop that inner voice.

Truth is, there are lots of reasons….and shutting down that inner voice is not that simple.

I came from a society where females had one path to follow: study, get a job, get married and have kids. A society where you can only count on yourself as our government is extremely corrupt so whatever you do, somebody else is doing 10 times more than you as people are scared not to have a job, not to have any meanings to create a life for themselves and their families.

In my wild being, I broke that cycle as I never felt I belonged there.

That meant I have always been trying to find where I belong and within that, I have seek people’s approvals, I have tried to stand out as being someone who accomplish things. I have taken into consideration people’s expectations of me.

In everything I read, I found a common thread…we need to feel enough inside ourselves as supposed to look for it outside of us.

By understanding the reasons, I got some clarity around it but that inner voice is still there….not always but sometimes…so now that I recognize that voice, I work on calming that voice down by telling that voice that I am enough when it gets louder.

This week I heard something which is something that has helped me the most. Kyle Kuzma, an atlete said he used to always seek external approval from others but he realized that he didn’t need to do that anymore as his expectations of himself were already high enough.

So for now, I am going to focus on that when that inner voice creeps in…and I am hoping you can use that as a tool too.

I am hoping you can practice to tell that inner voice you are enough when it gets louder.

It is not an overnight solution…it takes courage and it takes time…and I will keep working on it and I hope you will do it too.

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Fighting the cancer, healing your soul

I spent this week listening to a “Global Cancer Symposium” online organised by Nathan Crane.

Still not sure how I came across him and or the Symposium but it has been amazing. There were 4 or 5 speakers daily for about 7 days and I think now you can buy the access if you like –

There were some amazing speakers talking about all the good things that are happening in the cancer world.

I was amazed by how much they spent talking about emotional healing as well as spirituality and spiritual healing.

Most of speakers have been in contact with cancer patients and cancer survivors stories from all around the world and mental healing kept coming up over and over again.

I then started thinking about my own cancer journey, specifically the emotional healing piece.

When I heard the words “You have cancer”, I knew it was about that. I felt deep down in my gut actually where exactly my cancer was that I needed to heal my inner world.

I hadn’t spoken to my family in years. I held so much anger and resentment inside me, that made me sick.

This is not a “poor me” statement or “why did I get cancer” statement at all.

Cancer has shown me that everybody goes through shit times in life and I wasn’t the only one.

Cancer showed me that I needed to change the way I look at things.

I needed to change me, not others, not what it had happened, not what it is happening neither what it will happen.

It is challenging though especially when it comes to family… but again I was committed because I knew this was the only path for healing. I was still desperately looking for ways to heal my body, mind and soul.

I am not going to say go and forget everybody in the world that upset you as I have healed all my wounds and forgave everyone. I am not going to say I live a perfect life now because that would be a lie.

What I would say though is be open to work on yourself, on your inner self.

I have certainly move forward, I opened my wounds up, I faced them even though it was painful and I was scared… I did it (my psychologist held my hand through it and still does it) and I am determined to keep working on it.

What about you? Have you thought about emotional healing or even what it is happening with your emotions, your inner world?

In a world that is moving far too fast, we are forgetting that our emotional state needs self care too.

I invite you to ask yourself if you are giving your emotional being enough attention or the attention it needs?

And if not why?