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I was a screaming mum…

I come from a culture where screaming at your kids was totally ok so despite all my efforts of being a different parent than my parents were, the screaming became a patternโ€ฆ

When I embodied the old Angelica before cancer, I was:

A hot tempered mum

With a very short fuse

What I didnโ€™t realise was that my kids were getting the worst of meโ€ฆ

I was hurting them, my husband and myself

And the issues werenโ€™t theirs but mineโ€ฆ

But until I realised that, the way I was parenting my kids wasnโ€™t serving them or myselfโ€ฆ

I couldnโ€™t changeโ€ฆ.

๐˜๐˜ข๐˜ท๐˜ฆ ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ ๐˜ฆ๐˜ท๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ง๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ต ๐˜จ๐˜ถ๐˜ช๐˜ญ๐˜ต๐˜บ ๐˜ข๐˜ฃ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜บ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ช๐˜ฅ๐˜ด?

This is how I felt all the timeโ€ฆ

I couldnโ€™t get out of the loop of trying to be different and going back to behaving in the same way with them.

I was exhaustedโ€ฆ

And mostly I was living from a place of lackโ€ฆ

Lack of energy, lack of physical strength, lack of emotional balance, lack of emotional happinessโ€ฆ

๐™ƒ๐™ค๐™ฌ ๐™˜๐™ค๐™ช๐™ก๐™™ ๐™„ ๐™—๐™š๐™๐™–๐™ซ๐™š ๐™™๐™ž๐™›๐™›๐™š๐™ง๐™š๐™ฃ๐™ฉ ๐™›๐™ง๐™ค๐™ข ๐™ฉ๐™๐™–๐™ฉ ๐™ฅ๐™ก๐™–๐™˜๐™š?

Well, I just couldnโ€™tโ€ฆ

And that is clear to me now but it wasnโ€™t then.

๐™„ ๐™จ๐™ฉ๐™–๐™ง๐™ฉ๐™š๐™™ ๐™ฌ๐™ค๐™ง๐™ ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™ค๐™ฃ ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™ฅ๐™๐™ฎ๐™จ๐™ž๐™˜๐™–๐™ก ๐™๐™š๐™–๐™ก๐™ฉ๐™ ๐™›๐™ค๐™ง ๐™จ๐™ช๐™ง๐™ซ๐™ž๐™ซ๐™–๐™ก ๐™ฅ๐™ช๐™ง๐™ฅ๐™ค๐™จ๐™š๐™จโ€ฆ.

Slowly I could see the shifts in my behavior as motherโ€ฆ

I had more patienceโ€ฆ

I had more mental strength to work out how I could changeโ€ฆ

I had more emotional balance to work out different strategies in how to deal with my kidsโ€ฆ

It took me some time to create a different relationship with my kidsโ€ฆ

It took me some time to rebuild a new relationship with themโ€ฆ

As I worked through my own issues that came from childhood, I started asking myself:

๐™’๐™๐™–๐™ฉ ๐™ฌ๐™ž๐™ก๐™ก ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™ ๐™ž๐™™๐™จ ๐™จ๐™–๐™ฎ ๐™–๐™—๐™ค๐™ช๐™ฉ ๐™ข๐™š ๐™ฌ๐™๐™š๐™ฃ ๐™ฉ๐™๐™š๐™ฎ ๐™–๐™ง๐™š ๐™จ๐™ž๐™ฉ๐™ฉ๐™ž๐™ฃ๐™œ ๐™–๐™ฉ ๐™– ๐—ฝ๐˜€๐˜†๐—ฐ๐—ต๐—ผ๐—น๐—ผ๐—ด๐˜†๐˜€๐˜โ€™๐˜€ ๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ธ?

Within that, I started working through a plan to become a different mum.

I am not claiming perfection here by any meansโ€ฆ

I am claiming acceptance and recognition within myself that once I was mum that behaved in a way that didnโ€™t serve her kidsโ€ฆ.

She decided to changed thatโ€ฆ

And she didโ€ฆ.

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