I come from a culture where screaming at your kids was totally ok so despite all my efforts of being a different parent than my parents were, the screaming became a patternโฆ
When I embodied the old Angelica before cancer, I was:
A hot tempered mum
With a very short fuse
What I didnโt realise was that my kids were getting the worst of meโฆ
I was hurting them, my husband and myself
And the issues werenโt theirs but mineโฆ
But until I realised that, the way I was parenting my kids wasnโt serving them or myselfโฆ
I couldnโt changeโฆ.
๐๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ง๐ฆ๐ญ๐ต ๐จ๐ถ๐ช๐ญ๐ต๐บ ๐ข๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ข๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฌ๐ช๐ฅ๐ด?
This is how I felt all the timeโฆ
I couldnโt get out of the loop of trying to be different and going back to behaving in the same way with them.
I was exhaustedโฆ
And mostly I was living from a place of lackโฆ
Lack of energy, lack of physical strength, lack of emotional balance, lack of emotional happinessโฆ
๐๐ค๐ฌ ๐๐ค๐ช๐ก๐ ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ซ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ง๐๐ฃ๐ฉ ๐๐ง๐ค๐ข ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฉ ๐ฅ๐ก๐๐๐?
Well, I just couldnโtโฆ
And that is clear to me now but it wasnโt then.
๐ ๐จ๐ฉ๐๐ง๐ฉ๐๐ ๐ฌ๐ค๐ง๐ ๐๐ฃ๐ ๐ค๐ฃ ๐ข๐ฎ ๐ฅ๐๐ฎ๐จ๐๐๐๐ก ๐๐๐๐ก๐ฉ๐ ๐๐ค๐ง ๐จ๐ช๐ง๐ซ๐๐ซ๐๐ก ๐ฅ๐ช๐ง๐ฅ๐ค๐จ๐๐จโฆ.
Slowly I could see the shifts in my behavior as motherโฆ
I had more patienceโฆ
I had more mental strength to work out how I could changeโฆ
I had more emotional balance to work out different strategies in how to deal with my kidsโฆ
It took me some time to create a different relationship with my kidsโฆ
It took me some time to rebuild a new relationship with themโฆ
As I worked through my own issues that came from childhood, I started asking myself:
๐๐๐๐ฉ ๐ฌ๐๐ก๐ก ๐ข๐ฎ ๐ ๐๐๐จ ๐จ๐๐ฎ ๐๐๐ค๐ช๐ฉ ๐ข๐ ๐ฌ๐๐๐ฃ ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฎ ๐๐ง๐ ๐จ๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐๐ฃ๐ ๐๐ฉ ๐ ๐ฝ๐๐๐ฐ๐ต๐ผ๐น๐ผ๐ด๐๐๐โ๐ ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐๐ธ?
Within that, I started working through a plan to become a different mum.
I am not claiming perfection here by any meansโฆ
I am claiming acceptance and recognition within myself that once I was mum that behaved in a way that didnโt serve her kidsโฆ.
She decided to changed thatโฆ
And she didโฆ.