When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was living in Australia…

I had moved from New Zealand a year prior to my diagnosis and I had come to work for the same company as I used to work for in New Zealand…

My old manager from New Zealand called me…

I was looking for reassurance from everywhere and everyone that I could survive this…

I didn’t know anyone who had had cancer…so I was scared…S***scared if I am honest.

I thought people who had chemotherapy just died…I imagined myself holding on to my life for the entire treatment confined in bed.

I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to call me…

So I asked her as I sobbed: Do you think I can survive this?

She said: “Of course you can – you are my Brazilian fighter”

I have always been a fighter at work…I wanted to perform…I had high expectations of myself.

But the reality is I was tired of fighting….

I felt lonely…

I felt alone when everybody around me had a mum and dad to support them…

I also never allowed my husband to look after me…I needed to be in control…

and I always felt that my worth was directly related to how financially independent I was.

Growing up, I saw my mum depend on my dad financially and that created so much anger inside me.

My dad was a chauvinist and often he thought about himself only as supposed to ask my mum what she needed…

I promised myself I would never depend on ANYONE.

I was going to be the governor of my own life…

But all of a sudden I had ran out of steam…and the fire inside me was almost out….

The word “fighter” didn’t resonated with me anymore… I wanted to find a new way of living…an easier way…one that didn’t have to be too hard.

When I looked on internet often the word cancer was attached to fight, to battle…

instead of self love, self care, forgiveness, positive changes…

As I embarked on my cancer journey, I decided I wasn’t going to fight…

I wasn’t going to battle this disease…

I was going to EMBRACE it full hearted…

I was going to jump from a plane with a parachute without any certainty that the parachute was going to open…

I wanted to feel free…

I wanted to free myself from all that fight I had gone through in my life…

I wanted to quieten my mind…my heart…

I wanted to feel loved again…pure love…unconditional love….

I wanted to forgive myself and others…

What about you? Are you fighting or embracing?

Are you in a battle or living with ease?

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