When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was living in Australia…
I had moved from New Zealand a year prior to my diagnosis and I had come to work for the same company as I used to work for in New Zealand…
My old manager from New Zealand called me…
I was looking for reassurance from everywhere and everyone that I could survive this…
I didn’t know anyone who had had cancer…so I was scared…S***scared if I am honest.
I thought people who had chemotherapy just died…I imagined myself holding on to my life for the entire treatment confined in bed.
I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to call me…
So I asked her as I sobbed: Do you think I can survive this?
She said: “Of course you can – you are my Brazilian fighter”
I have always been a fighter at work…I wanted to perform…I had high expectations of myself.
But the reality is I was tired of fighting….
I felt lonely…
I felt alone when everybody around me had a mum and dad to support them…
I also never allowed my husband to look after me…I needed to be in control…
and I always felt that my worth was directly related to how financially independent I was.
Growing up, I saw my mum depend on my dad financially and that created so much anger inside me.
My dad was a chauvinist and often he thought about himself only as supposed to ask my mum what she needed…
I promised myself I would never depend on ANYONE.
I was going to be the governor of my own life…
But all of a sudden I had ran out of steam…and the fire inside me was almost out….
The word “fighter” didn’t resonated with me anymore… I wanted to find a new way of living…an easier way…one that didn’t have to be too hard.
When I looked on internet often the word cancer was attached to fight, to battle…
instead of self love, self care, forgiveness, positive changes…
As I embarked on my cancer journey, I decided I wasn’t going to fight…
I wasn’t going to battle this disease…
I was going to EMBRACE it full hearted…
I was going to jump from a plane with a parachute without any certainty that the parachute was going to open…
I wanted to feel free…
I wanted to free myself from all that fight I had gone through in my life…
I wanted to quieten my mind…my heart…
I wanted to feel loved again…pure love…unconditional love….
I wanted to forgive myself and others…
What about you? Are you fighting or embracing?
Are you in a battle or living with ease?